Micro-managing our kids

I was having a chuckle with my friend the other day about the fact her husband has this need to micro-manage every aspect of her son's life, instructing every little move, don't do that, do it like this, stop that now...

The conversation kind of hit home as actually I think that I could be guilty of exactly the same thing but in a very different way. Every single decision we make because of our daughter's difficulties have to have, it seems, a hundred different thought processes, even a decision like dinner can be complicated. Last night the kids were having dinner at their grandparents which should have been simple for us but the choice for us was do we quickly make something for ourselves now whilst they are out or eat after they have gone to bed. The preferred choice was after they had gone to bed as neither of us were particularly hungry at that moment but then we had to have the separate thought process of 'well if we wait till they have gone to bed what happens if Girl decides to have one of her meltdowns, it could be after 9pm until we eat...'  which was very possible after an afternoon at the grandparents and a pattern of meltdowns throughout the week. We decided to risk it and wait and prepared a dinner that could be cooked very quickly but this sort of micro-management is mentally exhausting, even trying to decide on a dinner we both fancied that could be coked quickly was a major conversation. As it happened Girl went to bed quietly so we enjoyed our dinner of steak and home-made chunky chips minus the anxiety.

Even the everyday language we use has to be carefully thought out which is very difficult,  the words said in the heat of the moment 'I'm not listening...' can tip Girl over the edge. My husband uttered those fateful words last week and the minute they left his mouth I cringed then quickly ran upstairs and found something to do, out of the way, if he's daft enough to say it, he can deal with it! He was actually just trying to point out that we are fed up of the whinging and whining but Girl can see those words as personal, that we don't want to hear her at all, that we don't love her. He knows we have to request that she try asking in a nice, appropriate way but well neither of us are perfect! I did go back down after five minutes to offer support but actually running away was the best thing at this time, it gave me chance to quickly and calmly think of a diversion or solution.

When You Hit Rock Bottom The Only Way Is Up

It' that time when the dog is barking for a walk, the two year old needs his nappy changing, the tea is cooking, you realise you've left a vital ingredient from your shopping list, you're all tired from a weekend away, the phone is ringing and right at that crucial moment when you can't take any more stress your attachment disordered child decides it's the appropriate time to make her demands known and if they are not met or the desired level of attention achieved within her specific timescale (NOW MOMMY) the two year old on his ride-on gets forcefully slammed into a wall and then trampled on. Now tell me to keep my emotions in check and not to yell, I'm sorry, I hate myself for it but it isn't going to happen and here I am a few hours later beating myself up for not behaving like a robot.

I have discovered that the perfect adoptive parent does not exist, I talk to other parents and they tell me not to worry they have all slipped up at some point, all yelled and shouted, nobody is perfect, even our PASW tells us this. Yet I consistently worry about slipping up, for not being consistent, for showing my emotions at an inappropriate time, for shouting or yelling. The infuriating thing is, I would probably say that nine times out of ten nowadays we do get it right, we do effectively manage the behaviours and yet instead of celebrating that achievement I worry and stress about the one time I get it wrong.  

I know how crucial to an attachment disordered child consistency is, safety, security, boundaries but juggling such intense need and regimentation along with regular family life is stressful to say the least and the more stressful it becomes the more chaotic life becomes, even remembering to make sure you have your keys when you go out can become one thought too many. It seems every little detail of life has to be micro-managed and the regular everyday details can all become white noise.

So here I am today feeling like I have hit rock bottom, I have snapped at my child who in return decided to rip the beautiful mural from her wall. The mural I cannot afford to replace. My stress levels after a weekend away, followed by a meltdown, followed by a day out with friends, followed by another meltdown is at such a peak I can barely speak coherently, I get my words muddled up, I forget keys, forget to lock doors, lose my husbands debit card in the street, the list is endless of how ditsy I have become. 

However when you are at rock bottom there is no other place to go but up. With some support from good friends and a good strategy shared with the husband eventually Girl is in bed and all is at peace for another day so hooray to us.

If I could offer any advice to other adopters it would be this; get support and friendship.  Make friends with other adopters, attend post adoption support group's, toddler groups, trip's out and parties, however you do it doesn't matter, just know that there are other people.

Decide a strategy and stick to it, if you lose control, take a step back to breathe, if possible swap roles for a while.

Don't lose hope.

Signals

We have learnt to expect (and could probably guarantee if asked) that if we do anything too exciting with our daughter that the event will be sabotaged by very difficult behaviour either during or shortly after. By very difficult I do mean violent, uncontrollable aggressive behaviour. I am not talking about a little bit naughty because I am sure all kids can be a bit difficult when over-stimulated but Girl has no control or self-regulation, she has the emotional capacity of a two year old.

Girl enjoys but at the same time cannot cope with parties and theme parks. Her brain is wired to run on a high level of alert at all times and things such as large crowds, high noise levels, too much sugar can over-stimulate and send her into meltdown but like all kids she wants to do these things and who are we to deny her these childhood thrills? So we mentally prepare ourselves and run with it. Hot chocolates, ice-creams, sweets, a trip to the gift shop on the way home. Is she spoiled? I don't think so or I hope not, I like to think we are just normal parents, we fought hard for our girl and by golly (did I just say by-golly?) we dreamt of being able to do these things as a family and give our girl a happy fun-filled childhood and she truly does enjoy them.

This weekend we celebrated both my husband's and son's birthday's with a two-day trip to Legoland with a large group of close family. I have to say that we did have a lovely time and nothing that happened afterwards can take away from that time, it is still a good memory but the behaviour from Girl started to very, very slowly slide by the the second day. Not terrible or partcularly noticeable behaviour by anybodies standards including my own, just warning signals, a refusal to comply, cheekiness, a distorted voice here and there, demanding and petulant behaviour. Some of this sounds pretty normal and appropriate but with Girl I know that when we see all of the behaviours on the list - particularly 'the other voice' - that they are signals that her brain is starting to melt as generally she is a very nice little girl that displays age appropriate behaviours, certainly no angel but manageable most of the time.

The biggest warning signal for us is refusal to comply, this is because Girl is needing to feel some control over her life. The way we manage this is to ask of her as little as possible, keep instructions to a minimum, help with everyday tasks. She may refuse to brush her teeth, put her coat on, get dressed and so we have to try to coax, negotiate, assist as much as we can, which admittedly is not at all easy with a two year old that also has needs.

It's very easy (even for us as her parents) to forget that Girl is not being difficult for the sake of being difficult, that she is sending us signals. After all, she looks and sounds like any other child of her own age. You wouldn't be able to pick her out in a line-up and say 'yes that girl has a brain disorder because her brain was traumatised as a baby'.

However, knowing that it is going to happen does not make the behaviour any easier to deal with and no matter how much we brace the shock of a violent meltdown can actually feel like a body blow and this morning the meltdown that we were expecting arrived after a total refusal to get dressed.

I live in hope that one day we will do something really exciting for our daughter and she accept it and enjoy it with no anxiety. We all need to have some hope.

The Poker Face

So we have officially become the Neighbours From Hell. The sort of family that people in adjoining houses bang on the walls at at 4.30am. To be fair I don't blame them at all, I would hate to live next door to us.

Last Monday Girl was having one of her 'must be in control' days. Bedtime is one thing she can easily take control of and has become a bit of a battle of late, though I have been tempted at times we can't exactly chain her to the bed and force her to stay there (and yes, I am kidding about being tempted).

So back to Monday, at bedtime we went through her usual routine and read her story and right as I finished out came the dreaded words that have been so frequent of late 'I don't want to go to bed now so I'm not going to.' I'm sure there is a little sound that resonates around the room as my heart sinks, my stomach flips over and my brain rattles into gear ready to find some quick way to deal with the situation.

Always my first response is to appeal to Girl's better nature and try and jolly her along onto the correct behaviour, unfortunately by the time she has had the thought process of 'I'm not going to bed' it's far too late for any of my silly negotiations (though ever the optimist I live in hope of this working one day) and it is sadly usually followed by a physical attack as the negotiations just make her more angry.

This is where my radical parenting comes into play (well I think it's radical anyway) and I call it the Poker Face manoeuvre and I mostly credit it to my PASW (Post Adoption Social Worker) after something we were chatting about. All along like most other parents I have had the belief that if a child is naughty a consequence or other action such as a time-out or thinking chair should be taken immediately, before the behaviour is forgotten. In my own experience and of talking to other parents and social workers, time-outs do not work for a child with attachment disorder. It is like reinforcing their belief that they are not attached to the caregivers, that they are being further rejected. Time-outs actually make Girl violent with rage, we learned that a long time ago.

The best way to deal with Girl's anger is to manage it before it happens, unfortunately this is easier said than done. Reward charts and consequences do not work for us so to manage the behaviour  we have to be aware of triggers such as an exciting event, mothers day, christmas or a noisy or busy place. So where does that leave us?

Obviously smacking and corporal punishment is a total no-no. I am not perfect and have shouted at Girl, threatened consequences (no TV for a week, no visits to nanny and granddad) and be honest, who wouldn't lose their cool with a child who is gnawing on their leg, kicking, spitting, thumping, pinching? None of us are perfect.

So the Poker Face for me is a new triumph and I hope a long-lasting one. It is hard work mentally and physically but worth the effort. When Girl goes into one of her violent rages I do not react. No shouting, no immediate reprimands. Any words out of my mouth are clear and to the point. You can adapt to suit any situation but I will talk though how it works for us at bedtime. 

I place a stool by Girl's bedroom door and sit firmly on it so she cannot escape the bedroom, it helps if you have someone to rally round and support you with anything you need (like fetching a stool) but not to get involved. If Girl hits me, I may flinch with pain but I do not reprimand. I give clear instructions in as gentle a voice as I can possibly muster (difficult but necessary), like 'Girl, go to bed' or 'No hurting, go to bed'. The key things to remember are:

• Stay calm
• Use as few words as possible
• Don't respond to questions with an answer just state something simple like 'we can talk tomorrow, go to bed'.
• Do not show any emotions whether it be sadness, hurt or anger, save it all up for later and sing yourself a song in your head  - (or hum quietly to yourself if you want, oddly Girl actually seems to respond well to the humming). I find the song Poker Face works brilliantly!

I can usually guarantee that within four-five minutes Girl has stopped any physical attack on me, she may still be trying to goad me other ways but again she gets no reaction. Within a few more minutes amazingly she will be in bed, still trying to get a reaction by making lots of silly noises and pretending to be asleep, I still don't react. Usually when I hear the pretend snoring I know that actual sleep is not far away. However I do not move until I can guarantee that she is actually deeply asleep, I have made that mistake before and it just starts the whole cycle over again.

The first time we  tried this new routine it took two hours, the next day it took 45 minutes, now consistently I can be back downstairs within 20-25 minutes and most  of those minutes I will have spent reading my kindle software and listening to classical lullabies that Girl has on loop in her room. This is great news for us, previously Girl could rage for hours and hours an I would be covered in bruises and barely anything we could do would stop the immense anger she was feeling stemming from her insecurity.

As for the neighbours? They are moving out soon, not because of anything we have done but hopefully by the time we get new neighbours we will have a grip on Girl's night time insecurities and the dog's snoring and late night barking (a whole other story!).