We Survived Easter Sunday!

At 7am I was rudely awaken by Girl nose to nose with me, big grin on her face "Mommy, mommy I have a surprise for you!" Boy was on the bed behind me playfully bashing the top of my head bellowing "mommeeeeee, mommeeeee, mommEEEEEEEEEEE". An Easter egg was rapidly pushed into my face before I slipped back into slumber "It's an Easter Egg Mummy" my girl helpfully tells me. I managed to thank the kids, eyes half closed before Boy suddenly realises I have chocolate. A meltdown quickly ensues and I slink off for a bath whilst hubster deals with it, I'm not ready for the world yet.
At 8.30am it is quickly decided that both Boy and Girl are bubbling over with excitement and a little stir-crazy after a day in and that if we stay in the house for another day we might not actually survive the day without turning to Gin so a heated debated ensues between the hubster and I on what we can actually do for the day. We eventually agree on a castle that has some sort of event on featuring Knights, right up girl's street.
So off we go, we get to close to the (small) castle and the traffic is immense, seems that the castle decided it would be a good idea to offer cut price tickets to their little event on Groupon. My stomach flips a little, crowds are Girl's worst enemy but we cannot turn round (even if we wanted to the street was one-way and everyone was going to the castle), Girl is excited about seeing Knights.
The hastily packed picnic includes Easter Eggs and previously I might have rationed the chocolate a little more but it feels so mean even though I do know that sugar and Girl are a potent mix. Very slowly Girl eats her sandwiches minus the crusts and asks for her chocolate egg. I pass it over with some trepidation and wait. Nothing.
On the way home the hubster pulls up at the reservoir for an impromptu ice-cream. I wait. Nothing.
We get home put the Wii on with a set time limit (to avoid the inevitable but-oh's), we ask her to turn the Wii off. I wait. Nothing. We have dinner, Girl finishes dinner and skips off to put her pajamas on with no prompting.
I have to say Girl never ceases to surprise me, this sort of day would normally be a struggle behaviour wise, too much excitement, sugar, crowds but she behaved pretty well throughout. The only clue we got that she might be a bit anxious was some strange noises and whispering to herself in the back of the car. A day to celebrate. Hoorah!

I Guess I Know Where I Stand!

Our PASW has insisted that the hubster and I spend more quality time together, book a hotel go away for the night, get some sleep and a lie-in. Husband is not so keen, he seems to think that every minute of every weekend should be spent with the kids, well that's very nice but I am not for one minute asking him to abandon the kids all weekend, just have one much needed night off every now and again, say twice a year. 


PASW also reckons that to insist we spend all weekend with the kids is not fair on me because I am with them all day every day and I need some TLC of course I nodded furiously in agreement with this. I love my kids but I love TLC too!


I have to say at this point that we are feeling the pinch, along with the rest of the country and the hubster declared after the PASW had left that if he had spare money he would rather use it to treat the kids than spend a night away with me. Well that's me told I guess! (I am pretty certain he didn't mean any offence by that, he just needs to take off his size nine wellies they are not a good fit for his mouth!)

Second Child Syndrome? Nope, Just One Stressed Out Mummy!

It was my son's birthday this week. We did not plan a party as he is only two, he wouldn't remember it and we have had such a stressful time lately it seemed just too much to think about but we did book a restaurant table for close family and bought a birthday cake.

For each birthday of my daughter we have made a scrapbook page, lots of photos with the cake as the focus. We are sitting in the restaurant and I realise we have only gone and forgotten the blinking cake. Holy Moly, it felt as though the world stopped on it axis for a moment. We are so busy keeping Girl in order that we have forgotten why we are there. The first thing that went though my mind was no birthday scrapbook page! Fortunately we are out with friends next week for the day, all adopted children and we will be taking the cake with us and luckily it will still be in date - just! We can always pretend later on that it was planned all along and hope he never reads this!

I do feel sometimes that he does come second best, last night Girl stayed at her grandparents for a sleepover and Boy has been like a different child, the child I see every day when Girl is at school, relaxed, happy and no screaming ab-dabs (my mum's name for his tantrums). 

Much as I do love spending time with Girl I cannot wait for the Easter holidays to be over just so we can go back to our normal routine and boy can get some much needed individual attention again.

If all else fails crack out the face paints!

For all her tomboyish behaviour my daughter loves nothing more than a bit of pampering and as a bonding session nothing beats it, from fun face painting to a pretty manicure the closeness of the activity, quality one-to-one time together, the sensory elements of skin to skin contact, massaging creams, sniffing and smelling and messing with the lotions and potions and well just the sheer fun of it is like the best therapy my daughter can get. 


Even at the tender age of five I have no objection to  sharing a bit of my make up when we go out, it's a shared activity, it makes my daughter genuinely happy and if a bit of very pale coloured eyeshadow and lip gloss can make my daughter smile then I am going to indulge to my hearts content!


I guess most girls like to choose bath bombs and soaps but for us it just means so much more and can make all the difference to a day, proper good therapy.

 

Micro-managing our kids

I was having a chuckle with my friend the other day about the fact her husband has this need to micro-manage every aspect of her son's life, instructing every little move, don't do that, do it like this, stop that now...

The conversation kind of hit home as actually I think that I could be guilty of exactly the same thing but in a very different way. Every single decision we make because of our daughter's difficulties have to have, it seems, a hundred different thought processes, even a decision like dinner can be complicated. Last night the kids were having dinner at their grandparents which should have been simple for us but the choice for us was do we quickly make something for ourselves now whilst they are out or eat after they have gone to bed. The preferred choice was after they had gone to bed as neither of us were particularly hungry at that moment but then we had to have the separate thought process of 'well if we wait till they have gone to bed what happens if Girl decides to have one of her meltdowns, it could be after 9pm until we eat...'  which was very possible after an afternoon at the grandparents and a pattern of meltdowns throughout the week. We decided to risk it and wait and prepared a dinner that could be cooked very quickly but this sort of micro-management is mentally exhausting, even trying to decide on a dinner we both fancied that could be coked quickly was a major conversation. As it happened Girl went to bed quietly so we enjoyed our dinner of steak and home-made chunky chips minus the anxiety.

Even the everyday language we use has to be carefully thought out which is very difficult,  the words said in the heat of the moment 'I'm not listening...' can tip Girl over the edge. My husband uttered those fateful words last week and the minute they left his mouth I cringed then quickly ran upstairs and found something to do, out of the way, if he's daft enough to say it, he can deal with it! He was actually just trying to point out that we are fed up of the whinging and whining but Girl can see those words as personal, that we don't want to hear her at all, that we don't love her. He knows we have to request that she try asking in a nice, appropriate way but well neither of us are perfect! I did go back down after five minutes to offer support but actually running away was the best thing at this time, it gave me chance to quickly and calmly think of a diversion or solution.

When You Hit Rock Bottom The Only Way Is Up

It' that time when the dog is barking for a walk, the two year old needs his nappy changing, the tea is cooking, you realise you've left a vital ingredient from your shopping list, you're all tired from a weekend away, the phone is ringing and right at that crucial moment when you can't take any more stress your attachment disordered child decides it's the appropriate time to make her demands known and if they are not met or the desired level of attention achieved within her specific timescale (NOW MOMMY) the two year old on his ride-on gets forcefully slammed into a wall and then trampled on. Now tell me to keep my emotions in check and not to yell, I'm sorry, I hate myself for it but it isn't going to happen and here I am a few hours later beating myself up for not behaving like a robot.

I have discovered that the perfect adoptive parent does not exist, I talk to other parents and they tell me not to worry they have all slipped up at some point, all yelled and shouted, nobody is perfect, even our PASW tells us this. Yet I consistently worry about slipping up, for not being consistent, for showing my emotions at an inappropriate time, for shouting or yelling. The infuriating thing is, I would probably say that nine times out of ten nowadays we do get it right, we do effectively manage the behaviours and yet instead of celebrating that achievement I worry and stress about the one time I get it wrong.  

I know how crucial to an attachment disordered child consistency is, safety, security, boundaries but juggling such intense need and regimentation along with regular family life is stressful to say the least and the more stressful it becomes the more chaotic life becomes, even remembering to make sure you have your keys when you go out can become one thought too many. It seems every little detail of life has to be micro-managed and the regular everyday details can all become white noise.

So here I am today feeling like I have hit rock bottom, I have snapped at my child who in return decided to rip the beautiful mural from her wall. The mural I cannot afford to replace. My stress levels after a weekend away, followed by a meltdown, followed by a day out with friends, followed by another meltdown is at such a peak I can barely speak coherently, I get my words muddled up, I forget keys, forget to lock doors, lose my husbands debit card in the street, the list is endless of how ditsy I have become. 

However when you are at rock bottom there is no other place to go but up. With some support from good friends and a good strategy shared with the husband eventually Girl is in bed and all is at peace for another day so hooray to us.

If I could offer any advice to other adopters it would be this; get support and friendship.  Make friends with other adopters, attend post adoption support group's, toddler groups, trip's out and parties, however you do it doesn't matter, just know that there are other people.

Decide a strategy and stick to it, if you lose control, take a step back to breathe, if possible swap roles for a while.

Don't lose hope.

Signals

We have learnt to expect (and could probably guarantee if asked) that if we do anything too exciting with our daughter that the event will be sabotaged by very difficult behaviour either during or shortly after. By very difficult I do mean violent, uncontrollable aggressive behaviour. I am not talking about a little bit naughty because I am sure all kids can be a bit difficult when over-stimulated but Girl has no control or self-regulation, she has the emotional capacity of a two year old.

Girl enjoys but at the same time cannot cope with parties and theme parks. Her brain is wired to run on a high level of alert at all times and things such as large crowds, high noise levels, too much sugar can over-stimulate and send her into meltdown but like all kids she wants to do these things and who are we to deny her these childhood thrills? So we mentally prepare ourselves and run with it. Hot chocolates, ice-creams, sweets, a trip to the gift shop on the way home. Is she spoiled? I don't think so or I hope not, I like to think we are just normal parents, we fought hard for our girl and by golly (did I just say by-golly?) we dreamt of being able to do these things as a family and give our girl a happy fun-filled childhood and she truly does enjoy them.

This weekend we celebrated both my husband's and son's birthday's with a two-day trip to Legoland with a large group of close family. I have to say that we did have a lovely time and nothing that happened afterwards can take away from that time, it is still a good memory but the behaviour from Girl started to very, very slowly slide by the the second day. Not terrible or partcularly noticeable behaviour by anybodies standards including my own, just warning signals, a refusal to comply, cheekiness, a distorted voice here and there, demanding and petulant behaviour. Some of this sounds pretty normal and appropriate but with Girl I know that when we see all of the behaviours on the list - particularly 'the other voice' - that they are signals that her brain is starting to melt as generally she is a very nice little girl that displays age appropriate behaviours, certainly no angel but manageable most of the time.

The biggest warning signal for us is refusal to comply, this is because Girl is needing to feel some control over her life. The way we manage this is to ask of her as little as possible, keep instructions to a minimum, help with everyday tasks. She may refuse to brush her teeth, put her coat on, get dressed and so we have to try to coax, negotiate, assist as much as we can, which admittedly is not at all easy with a two year old that also has needs.

It's very easy (even for us as her parents) to forget that Girl is not being difficult for the sake of being difficult, that she is sending us signals. After all, she looks and sounds like any other child of her own age. You wouldn't be able to pick her out in a line-up and say 'yes that girl has a brain disorder because her brain was traumatised as a baby'.

However, knowing that it is going to happen does not make the behaviour any easier to deal with and no matter how much we brace the shock of a violent meltdown can actually feel like a body blow and this morning the meltdown that we were expecting arrived after a total refusal to get dressed.

I live in hope that one day we will do something really exciting for our daughter and she accept it and enjoy it with no anxiety. We all need to have some hope.

How Many Sleeps Mommy? Lots and lots darling...

Before we adopted Girl we had these mindless daydreams of counting down sleeps with our child until holidays, Christmas, birthdays but the reality of this with a child with attachment disorder is very different.

We all get excited about lots of different things but for Girl it can all be too much for her to bear and can cause her actual real heartfelt anxiety. For instance the thought of behaving for Santa and being on a 'good girl' list is like an invitation to sabotage any good behaviour that we may normally expect, the very idea that that there is any chance at all that she may not be good enough to get gifts from Santa is enough to make her behave badly enough so that she knows she won't get hurt when she doesn't. It's like trying to have some sort of mad control over something she can't possibly control.

The whole commercial build-up to everything must be a nightmare for most parents but for us sometimes it feels like its a hundred-fold, Halloween decorations in September, followed immediately by Christmas decorations and on January 1st out roll the Cadbury's Creme Eggs and I really wish I was exaggerating. My little Girl went off the rails in September when she realised Halloween was approaching (only 8 weeks away) and only really got back on in February. Girl has been asking us for weeks how long until Easter, my reply is always "a long time away darling". I would love to be able to tell her exactly, to share the excitement of an upcoming event with her but I know that as soon as she knows how soon it is the behaviour will go on a downwards slope.

We have learnt to keep very quiet and low key about anything that might cause too much excitement, unfortunately we cannot impose this on every single person we know so where we are trying to be fairly non-committal about events, family and friends can unintentionally hinder our efforts and this week I have been spotted behind Girl flapping my arms, shaking my head, jumping up and down to attract attention and waggling my eyebrows in a desperate attempt to stop the words 

"...only 5 more sleeps until Legoland..."

which was then quickly followed by the words

"...and then a few days after that it's Easter!"

Thanks heavens that when this happened Girl was in one of her sullen-and-not-listening-to-adults moods and I dont' celebrate that mood often!

It's Not All Bad!

Adopting both Girl and Boy has had it's rewards and I certainly don't want my blog to be all gloom and doom because that's not our life! When we adopted Girl we did so with her developmental future being uncertain, with a little nurturing she has progressed in leaps and bounds.

This year she started Reception year at school and after a shaky start and a gentle nudge to the teacher about her attachment issues Girl is now reading as well as any of her classmates. We quietly praise and celebrate every single achievement.

As for Boy? We had a few worries about speech delay but I have this theory that when a baby or toddler has to deal with a traumatic event such as a totally new life some normal developmental milestones have to be put to the back of baby's brain while they learn about their new home, new smells, new environment. The paediatrician we saw was concerned about Boy's speech (initially we weren't until she put the thought in our heads that there might be an issue) but now Boy is chattering all the time and stringing words together like any other child his age! I would highly recommend the use of Makaton and Baby Signing for any child, we used this to great effect with both kids.

My First Signs: BSL (Baby Signing)

The Poker Face

So we have officially become the Neighbours From Hell. The sort of family that people in adjoining houses bang on the walls at at 4.30am. To be fair I don't blame them at all, I would hate to live next door to us.

Last Monday Girl was having one of her 'must be in control' days. Bedtime is one thing she can easily take control of and has become a bit of a battle of late, though I have been tempted at times we can't exactly chain her to the bed and force her to stay there (and yes, I am kidding about being tempted).

So back to Monday, at bedtime we went through her usual routine and read her story and right as I finished out came the dreaded words that have been so frequent of late 'I don't want to go to bed now so I'm not going to.' I'm sure there is a little sound that resonates around the room as my heart sinks, my stomach flips over and my brain rattles into gear ready to find some quick way to deal with the situation.

Always my first response is to appeal to Girl's better nature and try and jolly her along onto the correct behaviour, unfortunately by the time she has had the thought process of 'I'm not going to bed' it's far too late for any of my silly negotiations (though ever the optimist I live in hope of this working one day) and it is sadly usually followed by a physical attack as the negotiations just make her more angry.

This is where my radical parenting comes into play (well I think it's radical anyway) and I call it the Poker Face manoeuvre and I mostly credit it to my PASW (Post Adoption Social Worker) after something we were chatting about. All along like most other parents I have had the belief that if a child is naughty a consequence or other action such as a time-out or thinking chair should be taken immediately, before the behaviour is forgotten. In my own experience and of talking to other parents and social workers, time-outs do not work for a child with attachment disorder. It is like reinforcing their belief that they are not attached to the caregivers, that they are being further rejected. Time-outs actually make Girl violent with rage, we learned that a long time ago.

The best way to deal with Girl's anger is to manage it before it happens, unfortunately this is easier said than done. Reward charts and consequences do not work for us so to manage the behaviour  we have to be aware of triggers such as an exciting event, mothers day, christmas or a noisy or busy place. So where does that leave us?

Obviously smacking and corporal punishment is a total no-no. I am not perfect and have shouted at Girl, threatened consequences (no TV for a week, no visits to nanny and granddad) and be honest, who wouldn't lose their cool with a child who is gnawing on their leg, kicking, spitting, thumping, pinching? None of us are perfect.

So the Poker Face for me is a new triumph and I hope a long-lasting one. It is hard work mentally and physically but worth the effort. When Girl goes into one of her violent rages I do not react. No shouting, no immediate reprimands. Any words out of my mouth are clear and to the point. You can adapt to suit any situation but I will talk though how it works for us at bedtime. 

I place a stool by Girl's bedroom door and sit firmly on it so she cannot escape the bedroom, it helps if you have someone to rally round and support you with anything you need (like fetching a stool) but not to get involved. If Girl hits me, I may flinch with pain but I do not reprimand. I give clear instructions in as gentle a voice as I can possibly muster (difficult but necessary), like 'Girl, go to bed' or 'No hurting, go to bed'. The key things to remember are:

• Stay calm
• Use as few words as possible
• Don't respond to questions with an answer just state something simple like 'we can talk tomorrow, go to bed'.
• Do not show any emotions whether it be sadness, hurt or anger, save it all up for later and sing yourself a song in your head  - (or hum quietly to yourself if you want, oddly Girl actually seems to respond well to the humming). I find the song Poker Face works brilliantly!

I can usually guarantee that within four-five minutes Girl has stopped any physical attack on me, she may still be trying to goad me other ways but again she gets no reaction. Within a few more minutes amazingly she will be in bed, still trying to get a reaction by making lots of silly noises and pretending to be asleep, I still don't react. Usually when I hear the pretend snoring I know that actual sleep is not far away. However I do not move until I can guarantee that she is actually deeply asleep, I have made that mistake before and it just starts the whole cycle over again.

The first time we  tried this new routine it took two hours, the next day it took 45 minutes, now consistently I can be back downstairs within 20-25 minutes and most  of those minutes I will have spent reading my kindle software and listening to classical lullabies that Girl has on loop in her room. This is great news for us, previously Girl could rage for hours and hours an I would be covered in bruises and barely anything we could do would stop the immense anger she was feeling stemming from her insecurity.

As for the neighbours? They are moving out soon, not because of anything we have done but hopefully by the time we get new neighbours we will have a grip on Girl's night time insecurities and the dog's snoring and late night barking (a whole other story!).

The beginning

Where do I start? At the beginning I suppose. Just over three years ago we became the proud adoptive parents of a little girl. A little girl who was two weeks away from her second birthday so you can imagine what a massive impact the first little fox cub made on our lives. For reasons of protecting her identity I will refer to her as Girl.

Girl was removed from her natural parents at birth and placed with foster carers who clearly did care for her in some respects but with family and personal issues of their own they failed in their care of her. Girl's adoption was delayed by almost a year due to concerns with her development, mostly we believe now caused by lack of stimulation and interaction and a certain amount of neglect of care. After many tests and consultations with experts we took Girl on knowing that she had an uncertain future, that she might catch up with her development or she may need to attend special school, nobody could say for sure but when we saw that first photo of her we could see a sparkle in her eyes and we fought tooth and nail to go ahead with the adoption. Three years on and outwardly Girl displays as being quite 'normal' whatever that means, inwardly though that first two years of care has made quite an impact, both emotionally and developmentally and we are currently working with post adoption support workers to help us cope with her issues.

Being suckers for punishment, last year we adopted a little boy, our second fox cub (I shall call him Boy) and he is now also weeks away from his second birthday so you can imagine the chaos in our house at times.

With this blog I hope to offer an insight into what it is like to live with a child with an attachment disorder, adoption issues and good old fashioned parenthood. I don't pretend to be any kind of expert on any of the issues, I talk regularly with other adopters, I have read a lot of books (which I will tell you about), picked up a lot of tips, tried a lot of things (some have worked some haven't) and if anything I can share can help you then that's good enough for me.