Get Support, Make Friends

I can't tell you enough how important it has been to us to make friends with and talk to other adopters. I know some adopters are of the view that they want their children's lives to be as normal as possible and not centred around the fact that they are adopted but personally for us having friends to turn to who know what we have been through and what we are going through right now is invaluable.

As well as being support for us Girl has a wide group of friends who are adopted and I personally think this normalises adoption for her, she is not the odd one out or different, she is one of many.

Forums

You can find support from many different places, computer geek that I am (I was a web programmer before I was a mommy) I personally made friends with a number of people I got chatting to on the Adoption UK forums way back when we were starting out on our adoption journey and a small group of us went through our adoptions at roughly the same time. Strangely (or not) the same small group of friends have since gone through a second adoption within a few months of each other. It gives us a very unique and special bond. Some of those friends live fairly close, certainly within driving distance so we meet up as often as we can with the kids in tow for a coffee, a natter and sometimes to stop a mental breakdown! We keep in touch via Facebook all the time.

Blogs

You can find other adopters on blogs, read what they are going through and subscribe to their posts, leave comments, you may find yourself leaving a few posts with one particular blogger.

Post Adoption Support

Your local authority/adoption agency probably offers meet-ups, toddler groups, seminars, a great opportunity to meet local adopters and of course if you are having difficulties you can request support from a Post Adoption Social Worker (PASW).

Ask Your Social Worker

My social worker has phoned up a few times to ask us to talk to and meet with both potential adopters and local adopters. You can ask your social worker if there are local adopters who would be willing to meet for coffee and a chat.

Prep Course

Potential adopters are invited onto a preparation group, swap e-mail addresses/phone numbers with the other adopters.

So what do I get from it? If I am having a meltdown (usually because Girl is having a meltdown) and feel I cannot cope I have a close group of friends I can text, phone or facebook for instant support and reassurance that I am not a terrible mother! The knowledge base, ideas and advice I get from my circle of friends is immense, far more information than I could get by reading books and trawling the Internet, most of all I get friendship, understanding, empathy and none of the stupid comments that non-adopters can be guilty of making!

I Guess I Know Where I Stand!

Our PASW has insisted that the hubster and I spend more quality time together, book a hotel go away for the night, get some sleep and a lie-in. Husband is not so keen, he seems to think that every minute of every weekend should be spent with the kids, well that's very nice but I am not for one minute asking him to abandon the kids all weekend, just have one much needed night off every now and again, say twice a year. 


PASW also reckons that to insist we spend all weekend with the kids is not fair on me because I am with them all day every day and I need some TLC of course I nodded furiously in agreement with this. I love my kids but I love TLC too!


I have to say at this point that we are feeling the pinch, along with the rest of the country and the hubster declared after the PASW had left that if he had spare money he would rather use it to treat the kids than spend a night away with me. Well that's me told I guess! (I am pretty certain he didn't mean any offence by that, he just needs to take off his size nine wellies they are not a good fit for his mouth!)

Signals

We have learnt to expect (and could probably guarantee if asked) that if we do anything too exciting with our daughter that the event will be sabotaged by very difficult behaviour either during or shortly after. By very difficult I do mean violent, uncontrollable aggressive behaviour. I am not talking about a little bit naughty because I am sure all kids can be a bit difficult when over-stimulated but Girl has no control or self-regulation, she has the emotional capacity of a two year old.

Girl enjoys but at the same time cannot cope with parties and theme parks. Her brain is wired to run on a high level of alert at all times and things such as large crowds, high noise levels, too much sugar can over-stimulate and send her into meltdown but like all kids she wants to do these things and who are we to deny her these childhood thrills? So we mentally prepare ourselves and run with it. Hot chocolates, ice-creams, sweets, a trip to the gift shop on the way home. Is she spoiled? I don't think so or I hope not, I like to think we are just normal parents, we fought hard for our girl and by golly (did I just say by-golly?) we dreamt of being able to do these things as a family and give our girl a happy fun-filled childhood and she truly does enjoy them.

This weekend we celebrated both my husband's and son's birthday's with a two-day trip to Legoland with a large group of close family. I have to say that we did have a lovely time and nothing that happened afterwards can take away from that time, it is still a good memory but the behaviour from Girl started to very, very slowly slide by the the second day. Not terrible or partcularly noticeable behaviour by anybodies standards including my own, just warning signals, a refusal to comply, cheekiness, a distorted voice here and there, demanding and petulant behaviour. Some of this sounds pretty normal and appropriate but with Girl I know that when we see all of the behaviours on the list - particularly 'the other voice' - that they are signals that her brain is starting to melt as generally she is a very nice little girl that displays age appropriate behaviours, certainly no angel but manageable most of the time.

The biggest warning signal for us is refusal to comply, this is because Girl is needing to feel some control over her life. The way we manage this is to ask of her as little as possible, keep instructions to a minimum, help with everyday tasks. She may refuse to brush her teeth, put her coat on, get dressed and so we have to try to coax, negotiate, assist as much as we can, which admittedly is not at all easy with a two year old that also has needs.

It's very easy (even for us as her parents) to forget that Girl is not being difficult for the sake of being difficult, that she is sending us signals. After all, she looks and sounds like any other child of her own age. You wouldn't be able to pick her out in a line-up and say 'yes that girl has a brain disorder because her brain was traumatised as a baby'.

However, knowing that it is going to happen does not make the behaviour any easier to deal with and no matter how much we brace the shock of a violent meltdown can actually feel like a body blow and this morning the meltdown that we were expecting arrived after a total refusal to get dressed.

I live in hope that one day we will do something really exciting for our daughter and she accept it and enjoy it with no anxiety. We all need to have some hope.

How Many Sleeps Mommy? Lots and lots darling...

Before we adopted Girl we had these mindless daydreams of counting down sleeps with our child until holidays, Christmas, birthdays but the reality of this with a child with attachment disorder is very different.

We all get excited about lots of different things but for Girl it can all be too much for her to bear and can cause her actual real heartfelt anxiety. For instance the thought of behaving for Santa and being on a 'good girl' list is like an invitation to sabotage any good behaviour that we may normally expect, the very idea that that there is any chance at all that she may not be good enough to get gifts from Santa is enough to make her behave badly enough so that she knows she won't get hurt when she doesn't. It's like trying to have some sort of mad control over something she can't possibly control.

The whole commercial build-up to everything must be a nightmare for most parents but for us sometimes it feels like its a hundred-fold, Halloween decorations in September, followed immediately by Christmas decorations and on January 1st out roll the Cadbury's Creme Eggs and I really wish I was exaggerating. My little Girl went off the rails in September when she realised Halloween was approaching (only 8 weeks away) and only really got back on in February. Girl has been asking us for weeks how long until Easter, my reply is always "a long time away darling". I would love to be able to tell her exactly, to share the excitement of an upcoming event with her but I know that as soon as she knows how soon it is the behaviour will go on a downwards slope.

We have learnt to keep very quiet and low key about anything that might cause too much excitement, unfortunately we cannot impose this on every single person we know so where we are trying to be fairly non-committal about events, family and friends can unintentionally hinder our efforts and this week I have been spotted behind Girl flapping my arms, shaking my head, jumping up and down to attract attention and waggling my eyebrows in a desperate attempt to stop the words 

"...only 5 more sleeps until Legoland..."

which was then quickly followed by the words

"...and then a few days after that it's Easter!"

Thanks heavens that when this happened Girl was in one of her sullen-and-not-listening-to-adults moods and I dont' celebrate that mood often!

The Poker Face

So we have officially become the Neighbours From Hell. The sort of family that people in adjoining houses bang on the walls at at 4.30am. To be fair I don't blame them at all, I would hate to live next door to us.

Last Monday Girl was having one of her 'must be in control' days. Bedtime is one thing she can easily take control of and has become a bit of a battle of late, though I have been tempted at times we can't exactly chain her to the bed and force her to stay there (and yes, I am kidding about being tempted).

So back to Monday, at bedtime we went through her usual routine and read her story and right as I finished out came the dreaded words that have been so frequent of late 'I don't want to go to bed now so I'm not going to.' I'm sure there is a little sound that resonates around the room as my heart sinks, my stomach flips over and my brain rattles into gear ready to find some quick way to deal with the situation.

Always my first response is to appeal to Girl's better nature and try and jolly her along onto the correct behaviour, unfortunately by the time she has had the thought process of 'I'm not going to bed' it's far too late for any of my silly negotiations (though ever the optimist I live in hope of this working one day) and it is sadly usually followed by a physical attack as the negotiations just make her more angry.

This is where my radical parenting comes into play (well I think it's radical anyway) and I call it the Poker Face manoeuvre and I mostly credit it to my PASW (Post Adoption Social Worker) after something we were chatting about. All along like most other parents I have had the belief that if a child is naughty a consequence or other action such as a time-out or thinking chair should be taken immediately, before the behaviour is forgotten. In my own experience and of talking to other parents and social workers, time-outs do not work for a child with attachment disorder. It is like reinforcing their belief that they are not attached to the caregivers, that they are being further rejected. Time-outs actually make Girl violent with rage, we learned that a long time ago.

The best way to deal with Girl's anger is to manage it before it happens, unfortunately this is easier said than done. Reward charts and consequences do not work for us so to manage the behaviour  we have to be aware of triggers such as an exciting event, mothers day, christmas or a noisy or busy place. So where does that leave us?

Obviously smacking and corporal punishment is a total no-no. I am not perfect and have shouted at Girl, threatened consequences (no TV for a week, no visits to nanny and granddad) and be honest, who wouldn't lose their cool with a child who is gnawing on their leg, kicking, spitting, thumping, pinching? None of us are perfect.

So the Poker Face for me is a new triumph and I hope a long-lasting one. It is hard work mentally and physically but worth the effort. When Girl goes into one of her violent rages I do not react. No shouting, no immediate reprimands. Any words out of my mouth are clear and to the point. You can adapt to suit any situation but I will talk though how it works for us at bedtime. 

I place a stool by Girl's bedroom door and sit firmly on it so she cannot escape the bedroom, it helps if you have someone to rally round and support you with anything you need (like fetching a stool) but not to get involved. If Girl hits me, I may flinch with pain but I do not reprimand. I give clear instructions in as gentle a voice as I can possibly muster (difficult but necessary), like 'Girl, go to bed' or 'No hurting, go to bed'. The key things to remember are:

• Stay calm
• Use as few words as possible
• Don't respond to questions with an answer just state something simple like 'we can talk tomorrow, go to bed'.
• Do not show any emotions whether it be sadness, hurt or anger, save it all up for later and sing yourself a song in your head  - (or hum quietly to yourself if you want, oddly Girl actually seems to respond well to the humming). I find the song Poker Face works brilliantly!

I can usually guarantee that within four-five minutes Girl has stopped any physical attack on me, she may still be trying to goad me other ways but again she gets no reaction. Within a few more minutes amazingly she will be in bed, still trying to get a reaction by making lots of silly noises and pretending to be asleep, I still don't react. Usually when I hear the pretend snoring I know that actual sleep is not far away. However I do not move until I can guarantee that she is actually deeply asleep, I have made that mistake before and it just starts the whole cycle over again.

The first time we  tried this new routine it took two hours, the next day it took 45 minutes, now consistently I can be back downstairs within 20-25 minutes and most  of those minutes I will have spent reading my kindle software and listening to classical lullabies that Girl has on loop in her room. This is great news for us, previously Girl could rage for hours and hours an I would be covered in bruises and barely anything we could do would stop the immense anger she was feeling stemming from her insecurity.

As for the neighbours? They are moving out soon, not because of anything we have done but hopefully by the time we get new neighbours we will have a grip on Girl's night time insecurities and the dog's snoring and late night barking (a whole other story!).